The Free Radical

Perhaps it would be best that I state at the outset that I am gay. This hasn’t been a secret for a very long time now, but I do recall a time when keeping it ruthlessly locked away was essential for my survival… or so I thought.

What has prompted this writing is a current pattern that I recognize from my own uncomfortable youth– a pattern that is unfortunately still prevalent today. Facebook affords me a few glimpses into the social patterns active among the younger members of my friends. What I am specifically referring to are the periodic instances when one of these youngsters unknowingly relinquishes control of his phone to his friends. Those friends then post a status update to Facebook which reveals our phoneless victim to be gay… as though such a revelation would be the absolute worst possible thing in the world.

It’s all done in good fun. I understand that; I even appreciate it, and usually have a bit of a chuckle myself as the language used in the revelation is usually quite colorful and explicit. I, myself, am not offended in the least– honestly. I will laugh at a good gay joke. I’m old enough and secure enough to not take such things personally. But I also remember my youth, when I spent years during which not a day would go by when I didn’t think about killing myself– seriously.

Statistically speaking, there is a very good chance that there is at least one person among this younger peer group who is wrestling with the question of his own sexuality. None of his friends knows it or even suspects it. He has become an expert at hiding his authentic self and his true feelings. He spends an enormous amount of energy trying to convince himself that he is indeed normal; he’s just like everyone else… and yet, he knows he’s not. I have a great deal of empathy for this “hypothetical” individual.

I know exactly what it feels like when you are reminded every single day of your life that if your suspicions about yourself are actually true, then all of your friends will instantly hate you and so will your family, and you will be ruthlessly outcast from the only life you’ve ever known. It’s a difficult position to be in, to say the least. The words “gay”, “fag”, and “homo” are used constantly to label anything and everything that is wrong with the world and the people in it. For any youth struggling to come to terms with his own identity, such labels are impossible to accept– especially when they are so consistently hurled about with uncompromising vehemence and derision.

“I’m a good person. Fuck! I can’t be gay! Everyone likes me… but if they only knew… Fuck! I’m not gay! I’ll just play the game by their rules; I’ll pretend to like whatever they like. I’ll never express anything personal; I’ll never talk about my feelings. Eventually, maybe my feelings will just go away… If I’m dead inside, I won’t be gay… I won’t be anything. They can’t hate me for that! See, I’m not gay… I’m just like you. Except… you enjoy your life; you get to fall in love; you don’t think about killing yourself every day… Maybe I should just kill myself… what’s the difference?”

Can you imagine living in this mindset every moment of every day for years on end? I can. I did. Actually, as it turned out, the worst of my fears were totally unfounded. When I finally accepted the truth about myself, so did everyone else around me. As far as I know, I didn’t lose a single friend. In fact, ever since I have lived in authenticity, I have never had a single negative experience as a result of my sexual orientation. I am surrounded by genuine friends who would rush to my defense and support in a heartbeat if real homophobia ever threatened me in any way.

When we’re young however, our perceptions are filtered through the worst of our insecurities. Because everyone around us constantly reminds us that being gay is totally unacceptable, we’re pretty sure that we don’t really want to put it to the test. “Would my friends still accept me if I told them I was gay? Would my family?” There’s a very good chance that they would. The intolerance is more of a cultural habit than an individual stance. When you put it to the test, the vast majority of individuals will immediately deny the intolerance and affirm their genuine support. But when you’re young, that’s very, very difficult to know because virtually all of the evidence from daily life says otherwise.

I wish it wasn’t so. It’s been about 30 years since I was a teenager, and the perceived climate of intolerance still persists. I know that’s it’s far less real than it appears, but I still feel deeply painful empathy for that one guy who’s convinced himself that the most important thing in life is to live a lie. Living the lie is the most torturously painful suicide you can choose… nothing is worth that.

So in conclusion, to my younger Facebook friends, please remain aware of the climate you create with your words and actions. It’s all in good fun… until… well, let’s not go there. Just remind yourself that whenever you use the words “gay, fag and homo” you’re speaking directly about me… and I was just resilient enough to make it to a place where such words have lost their potency. I’m not offended, but someone you love is probably dying inside a little bit every day… even though that’s not your intent.