The Free Radical

Grounds Security Officers responded this afternoon to an incident on the White House lawn involving a plump elderly woman dressed like Kim Jong-un. Security officers were acting on a tip that she had at least 200 pounds of crack in her turquoise pants. Upon investigation the officers found the woman squatting in the middle of the White House lawn in order to move her bowels, and officers immediately confirmed the reported ample crack.

As they moved to surround and arrest the woman, she begrudgingly explained through grunts and groans “I’m just so full of shit!” and the woman was immediately identified as Secretary Clinton. As the candidate finished up her pressing business, White House Security suddenly reported “Shots fired!” which was quickly retracted when it was found that Mrs. Clinton’s shit– unlike the turds of other hominids– was not tapered, and therefore caused her asshole to slam shut… loudly.

This was followed by polite applause issuing from a small coterie of sycophantic supporters and a member of the embedded press licking Madame Secretary’s ample crack unreasonably clean.

The candidate seemed genuinely perplexed when White House staff informed her that shitting in the middle of the White House lawn wasn’t actually permitted. “At least not during the light of day!” she cackled with a wink… and then proceeded to laugh in an uproarious and most inappropriate way. Trained seals barked and slapped their fins together right on cue.

When the rest of the mainstream media arrived, responding to the bogus call of shots fired, they were not disappointed to find an impressive, attention-grabbing, presidential coiler standing tall and proud above the manicured grass instead. Anderson Cooper was handed the scoop of a lifetime.

The bewildered Hillary explained that “It was an honest mistake,” and that she couldn’t specifically recall having taken the majestic dump anyway… claiming that it was perhaps “just another Wikileaks dump.”

A member of her embedded press corp then explained that he had luckily caught the whole thing on video… which was promptly followed by his head spontaneously, and for no apparent reason, exploding, distributing his brains unevenly over the delicate circuitry of the camera, rendering it inoperable… or at the very least, super gross, and nobody wanted to touch it anymore. (It was ruled a suicide.)

Secretary Clinton laughed… and laughed… and NBC laughed along with her, deciding right then to spin the story as just another example of the candidate’s clearly superior sense of humor.

The crew from ABC managed to film the splendid fecal monument before Anderson Cooper could jealously scoop it up all for himself. Their lead story was slightly more conditional… that if Mrs. Clinton had indeed pinched such a fine loaf, it was surely ample proof of her robust health and her fitness to sit– or squat– in the Oval Office. They praised her defecatory offering as being of superlative texture and consistency, and as of having a not-so-unpleasant fragrance but rather difficult to adequately describe. The panel discussed it for the next eight minutes and decided that the Clinton shit– if indeed it was hers– was definitely of the proper character befitting the general odor of American politicking.

CNN, the Clinton News Network, took a completely different angle– mostly because Anderson refused to share the scoop with his colleagues. They were forced to chase down the original “200 pounds of crack” tip, spending several hours on the story before realizing that it was all just a bad joke. They ran the story anyway… and were nominated for a Pulitzer.
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Update: Madonna and Amy Schumer, also on the scene, provided oral sex to anyone who paid them even the slightest bit of attention. Having thrown the dog a bone, one recipient generously remarked to Madonna “You’ve got the whitest teeth I’ve ever come across!”