The Free Radical

Warning: What follows is in very bad taste… But then what inspired it was even worse!

“Is this a joke?”

I keep picturing Nigel seated before a mirror in the Spinal Tap dressing room, picking through the remains of a catered tray of hors d’oeuvres.

“Is this a joke? I mean, look…” he says, fingering a green olive. “There’s a little guy in there,” pointing to the pimento, and then indicating another olive which lacks a similar ‘little guy.’ With an exasperated shrug he finally declares “It’s a complete catastrophe!”

I remember when Spinal Tap came out how many people thought it was a real documentary about a real band! Let’s use a little common sense, people.

Common sense? Sorry mate; we’re fresh out.

I’ve never watched a beheading before. And now that I’ve viewed the recent James Foley video, I’m pretty sure that I still haven’t. Okay, actually, I’m quite sure that I haven’t… because the video doesn’t include that part– the actual beheading. It’s implied.

You gotta love a terrorist who is considerate enough to leave out the terrifying bits!

Normally, I wouldn’t ever consider watching this type of video, but I kept encountering comments and articles claiming the whole thing was fake. And then the UK police declared that even viewing the video may be construed as a crime under terrorism legislation. Now that’s gotta pique anyone’s curiosity! (“We’ve got this video that totally justifies severe military intervention… but we’d much prefer that nobody views it. Please…?”)

Although the video is conceptually gruesome, having viewed it, I would give it a PG-13 rating… and most 13-year-old boys– and even a few of the girls– would likely brand it as “Lame.” It’s not gory. It’s not frightening. It’s… it’s… perplexing.

Immediately after viewing it, my first thought was: Really? Is this really the video causing all the hubbub? Surely this is just one of those really bad Saturday Night Live sketches whose humor is tragically elusive. (We’ve all seen a few of those, no?) Seriously though, I really did wonder if I had viewed the correct video. Videos from terrorists you expect to be, well, terrifying. This was just bizarre.

The whole thing was shot in HD… because you know that all serious jihadists have money to burn on expensive cameras. The microphone clipped to Mr. Foley’s chest was also top notch, very professional, excellent audio. They also employed multiple camera angles and some very slick editing in order to include footage of Obama’s recent address about the whole situation. Production quality was obviously a high priority among these particular bloodthirsty savages.

Just from the accompanying stills– in news articles– lifted from the footage, you can see the immaculate state of the ‘captive’ James Foley. He’s been missing since 2012. As a prisoner of radical fanatics for the past two years, he manages to look good enough to make the cover of GQ. Remarkable! He looks well-nourished, no bruises or cuts on his face, not even a pimple. His beard looks neat and trimmed; head shaven, but tastefully so. The orange jumpsuit he’s wearing has nary a stain nor even a wrinkle… as though they just got it back from the dry-cleaners that morning.

And then there’s the speech he delivers. Okay, granted, he’s a trained journalist; he’s used to being in front of a camera delivering his lines. He shouldn’t be nervous in that regard. But what about the tall ninja beside him with the lovely British accent brandishing a knife? Foley doesn’t speak like a man about to have his head savagely hacked off. Perhaps he didn’t know…? Maybe they told him “Just read what it says on the teleprompter and afterwards we’ll have a nice picnic.” Seems legit.

His body doesn’t tremble. There’s no tremor in his voice. Not a single bead of sweat anticipates his doom– despite being filmed in the sunny desert… in August. (I think some of those HD cameras come with built-in air conditioning.) He delivers his lines nearly perfectly. There is a moment where he pauses ever so briefly, and swallows, and maybe there’s just the faintest shadow of a hint of fear… but it’s the kind of fear that accompanies the thought: I hope they didn’t bring that overly sweet chardonnay; it’ll pair dreadfully with the crab cakes! All in all, his demeanor speaks volumes. It says: “Pah! Beheadings… I’ve had dozens of them. It’s a dawdle.” Picnic or beheading? Which is it? Either way, Foley doesn’t seem overly concerned.

I’m trying to convey the deep empathy I feel for this man. I mean, can you imagine… a sweet chardonnay with crab cakes! Really!

The tall Londoner dressed as a ninja delivers a bit of his own blah blah before the grand finale. He looks to the camera as if to say “You see what happens…?” Well, actually, no I don’t see what happens; I’m completely left to infer it on my own. And I’m choosing picnic– despite the alleged catastrophe with the chardonnay.

He then, standing behind Foley, begins to saw back and forth across his victim’s neck before it quickly fades to black. The knife is drawn twice, possibly thee times, across Foley’s neck just beneath the jaw. No cut is visible, no spurting blood. Maybe some beheadings of live victims involve much less blood than others; I’m certainly no expert on beheadings, but hollywood has consistently led me to believe that when you cut through the jugular vein and carotid artery there’s likely to be some spurting… and a fair bit of blood spilled overall.

Oh, here’s a thought! Perhaps the blood only spurts if and when the victim struggles. Foley, you see, doesn’t offer any resistance. He even manages to quell any natural instinctive response of defending oneself while someone attempts to liberate your head from your neck. How incredibly zen of him!

And no, there’s no screaming– not from the victim, not from the perpetrator(s). I was at least expecting a few token allahu akbars. This is a jihad after all. Ah well, maybe even deranged fanatics occasionally forget why exactly they’re doing what they’re doing. Allah forgives them, I’m sure.

Then there is a still picture which finishes off the video. I’ve created similarly convincing scenes for halloween with a scarecrow and a pumpkin, a little makeup, a little ‘blood.’ It depicts a headless body lying on the ground with its head propped on top of the torso. Strangely the neck is missing. From the last moving pictures from the video we saw that the head was allegedly being severed right beneath the jawline, very high up on the neck. The headless corpse in the final frame however has no neck whatsoever. Perhaps the cameraman called dibs on the neck…? Crab cakes be damned!

What’s that? I’m being insensitive? Nonsense! I’m confident that I’m treating this video with all the respect it deserves. But I’d really like for you to decide that for yourself. Oh shit, now I’m a terrorist for sure!