The Free Radical

The sign out front was mostly blank. It did have the word “FREE” written diagonally across its upper left corner like the shop itself might be a brochure up for grabs or some such thing. And then at the bottom, if you cared to look closely, it said “Inquire within.” On the door, hung with what appeared to be recycled scotch tape, there was additionally posted a hand-scrawled message proclaiming “New Inventory.”

So now, for the first time in an apocryphal age, it was safe to say that in a tiny corner shop, well-renowned for not selling cheese or mincemeat, that the following conversation definitely did not take place…

“I’d like some control please.”

“Self-control or the power-over-others variety?”

“I’m on an errand for my employer, so the power-over-others type would be best.”

“Inventory of the old stock is running rather low. How much are you after?”

“Do you sell it by the pound?”

“We do… but due to very limited supplies at the moment the price may seem rather prohibitive. How do you intend to pay… Mister…?”

“Minion. But please call me Domonique. Do you still accept the traditional debt instruments?”

“Money? For the time being… but that could change at any moment.”

“Well as long as you accept dollars… price is no object. I’ll take whatever you’ve got left.”

“There’s just this rather crude lump here. Not too pretty to be sure, but it might still do the trick.”

“You haven’t got anything more refined, have you? Perhaps something a little less obvious… you know, dressed up with real aplomb but with a bit of a sugar coat?”

“Ah, it’s stealth you’re after then. That kind of control sold out months ago. I admit that all we’ve got left isn’t much good for anything but crude threats and real bludgeoning. Still, if you were to purchase a veritable mountain of it, I suppose one could hide behind the sheer ugliness of it.”

“But I thought you said you were running low…?”

“Yes, quite. Hm… I see what you mean. Can you accept that stealth is no longer an option? I mean, the whole control market has all but collapsed. It’s gotten a bit tricky… this whole business of trying not to be seen. A level playing field leaves scarce places to hide. It’s nothing like it used to be.”

“Oh, to be sure! Tell me about it. I’m almost to the point myself where I can see through my employer’s manipulations. If it gets any more obvious I just might have to rebel!”

“Really! That blatant now is it?”

“It is! Just this morning I actually considered not doing as I was told. But alas, here I am. I guess I’ll take whatever you’ve got left… in a fancy wrap if I could.”

“Certainly… But oh! We’ve just now sold out.”

“But… but… just a moment ago…?”

“I know. Sorry. Internet purchase.”

“Oh that damn internet! It’s to blame for this whole mess, you know!”

“I do… and I couldn’t agree more. You can’t expect to go around allowing people to learn about whatever they please, granting them the freedom to participate in all manner of things, and still maintain a semblance of social order. It’s daft!”

“Quite. Whatever am I to do now? Do you still have some of the self-control variety? Perhaps it can be adapted to my employer’s purposes.”

“Sorry. Self-control is strictly non-transferrable. It’s not allowed.”

“Yeah, but who’s going to enforce it? I mean, from what you’re telling me, the whole world’s out of control.”

“I see what you mean. I suppose I could let a bit of self-control fall into the careful hands of a proxy. But mum’s the word, eh?”

“Of course. Of course. I suppose I’ll have to be careful not to get any on me… or I won’t be able to complete the necessary modifications.”

“Indeed. You’d be well-advised to heed your own counsel on that one for sure. I’ll wrap it up good and tight… and throw in a pair of latex gloves.”

“Appreciated. Is this the new inventory here?”

“Hm… yes.”

“What is it?”

“A new thing… called freedom.”

“It looks… interesting… a bit untidy, but I suppose it might hold some appeal… for some. How much does it go for?”

“It’s free.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t understand you. You said free?”

“Yes indeed. Free. Can’t charge a thing for it.”

“Well, however might that work? You mean to say that you just pass it out with no compensation? No fees or exchange?”

“Well there’s good cheer and smiles. I receive a fair bit of that… in exchange.”

“But… but… that can’t be good for business!”

“No. No, not at all. Make no mistake; this is the end of the world as we know it. Freedom’s taking over. Nothing will ever be the same.”

“It’s not just some fad is it? Some teenage craze?”

“No, it looks to be quite permanent.”

“How insidious! And positively dreadful!”

“That’s what happens when the whole world’s out of control…”