The Free Radical

(I Remember I Believe by my band Missing Peace, a live front-end mix cassette recording at The Rose and Crown in Banff in 1998. This was my ‘coming out’ song, and the very first one we ever recorded. It was always a staple in live sets.)

Dear Universe,

I have heard that “life is hard,” that “no one ever said that life was fair,” and that “to live is to suffer.” I suppose it’s true that I have suffered, but I’ve been so unable to focus on the suffering that I can’t honestly attribute much significance to it other than as a facilitator of all that is now wonderful in my life. Please don’t get me wrong; I don’t particularly like suffering any more than the next guy, but I understand, I accept, I embrace its necessity in bringing about all that comes after… as I allow.

As a retrospective creature, I have looked back upon my life many, many times, to all the immature dreams of my youth. Being also an imaginative sort, I can easily envision the alternate courses my life might’ve taken had my wishes been met as a young man. What a dreadfully wasteful life that would have been! If that part of me which aspires toward a life of comfort and ease had been given ample reward through wishes granted while a woefully undeveloped character still stood at the helm of my being, what a ruin this life might’ve been.

Dreams and aspirations require honing, just as surely does one’s character. My many, many mistakes are the whetstone upon which I have sharpened the edge of my special madness which has inexplicably come to love and to cherish this life. Just a few years ago I would have been utterly incapable of writing– let alone even conceiving– a little thank you note such as this. But truly, thank you.

Thank you universe, soul, spirit… for knowing me far better than I ever have, and for consistently honouring the totality of my being above the pettiness of ill-conceived wishes. These are tremendously exciting times, and their challenges only look insurmountable to those who remain lost in their own suffering. I thank you equally for the experiences which brought my suffering as I do for the experience of growing beyond them. Thank you for trusting me!

I look forward to a grander partnership.

Love,
Niels.